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The play of education

An old classroom. Pairs of metal chairs and small wooden tables are arranged in a grid, parallel to each other, facing a large set of blackboards. Students are seated, big smiles are painted around their mouths. They are staring at the blackboard in front of which is a large table made of mahogany. The professor enters wearing an expensive suit. A big smile is painted across his face with black ink. The smiles of the people in the room are painted in such a way that their actual expression is barely visible.

Professor: “Hello, dear students, I am professor Awesomeness and I will teach you about the atomicity incursion overheat deduction principle in perspiration theory.”

The audience laughs.

Professor Awesomeness: “Pay attention and do not let any of this slip your mind, as it will never be needed in your professional careers whatsoever.”

The audience laughs.

Professor Awesomeness: “Also, as a bonus, you get points for merely looking at my awesome awesomeness.”

Another laugh from the audience.

Professor Awesomeness: “Let us begin. The first induction principle is quite similar to the thermo genital induction… Excuse me.” (Looks at his papers.) “…thermo nuclear induction of fibrous excrement. Indeed it is this irate sublimation that leads to the construction of the clitoral constipation.”

A very high-grade student: “Excuse me professor, I have a question. Is the clitoral constipation in fact a form of posttraumatic stress defibrillation?”

Professor Awesomeness: “Indeed it is, my dear! And you are?”

The high-grade student: “I am Very Smart.”

Professor Awesomeness: “Well, Miss Smart, you seem like someone who is ready to conquer the world with the power of knowledge. Just keep listening to our interesting and not at all useless lectures and you’ll be quite there in a few years when we give you your very own piece of paper with ‘diploma’ written on it.”

The audience laughs.

Professor Awesomeness: “Now, let us attend to the important matters: The sub-clitoral data entry points. We, of course, divide the intercourse to three most definite steps: the first, the second and the third. Where the third of course follows the second…”

Very: “…And the first precedes the second.”

Professor Awesomeness: “Very good Very.”

The audience laughs again.

Professor Awesomeness: “Now, one might argue that judgmental precognitive subliminal trans-cranial analysis of the inter-vaginal fluids does not reveal anything about the inner ordering of the eggs, but nevertheless, this is a good place to start experimenting and publish very significant and not at all useless scientific papers for the purpose of getting points that allegedly show the level of one’s academic achievement. I and my esteemed colleagues have published a very important work on this topic and thus I will be teaching that to you so that you may admire my awesomeness and not at all be hindered and mentally scarred for the rest of your lives.”

Students: (Applause.)

The audience laughs.

Student who did not applaud: “So, what is this work about?”

Very and another student: (Rolling the eyes.)

Professor Awesomeness: “Did you not listen, boy? It is about the power and quality of neural stimulation while engaging in the insertion of the penile apparatus into the vaginal opening and repetitive interaction between the male and female apparatus.”

Student who did not applaud: “So, about how pleasurable sex is?”

Other students: (Loud frightened sigh.)

Very: (Muffled cry.)

Professor Awesomeness: “Dear boy, that is preposterous. I will not tolerate such ill usage of the vocabulary and ridicule of my highly scientific and not at all useless paper! If you must put it bluntly, it is indeed addressing the topic you specified in your vocabulary-deprived question. And what is your name, student?”

Student who did not applaud: “I’m Goingto Failtheexams.”

The audience laughs.

Professor Awesomeness: “Mister Failtheexams, you should work on your language, scientific reasoning and scientific dress code. Also, fix your smile, it is smudged.”

Goingto (paints the smile back with a pen): “Isn’t pleasure a subjective thing? What are you doing, having people answer questionnaires after having had sex?”

Professor Awesomeness: “Please boy, mind your language. This is a highly scientific sex research and as such we are taking percussions that none of the participants actually have sex.”

Goingto: “Precautions, sir!”

Professor Awesomeness: “Here we go with the swearing again!”

The audience laughs.

Professor Awesomeness: “Stop mocking my class. None of us ever need to have sex ever and this research conclusively proves that. End of story. Furthermore, it shows that the humanity would be better off without ever mentioning sex ever. This is, of course, very scientific.”

Goingto: “But sir, you are mutilating the very core that makes the science scientific. You are disregarding the scientific method. You are trying to impose your own views regardless of the actual real-world facts. You are grading people based on your opinion and based on measures of academic achievement you and those like you have invented. This is what is causing the perpetual and ongoing educational inflation. Fools choosing fools to teach. And even further: fools choosing fools to teach fools to teach. And so on. Furthermore, you give importance to big words and wide vocabulary instead of giving importance to the meaning of these words. You judge people based on what they look like and how they dress instead of on what they know and how moral they are. You are the reason the society is falling apart.”

Professor Awesomeness: (Takes a knife out of his pocket.) “Shut up! You are a disgrace to this university and to the scientific community. How dare you oppose an older and authoritative figure which is not at all instated as such by mere custom?”

Goingto (after being stabbed by professor): “Yes, but you will still never have sex.”

Professor Awesomeness (grabbing himself by the shoulder, falling to the ground): “Oh fate… Oh my heart… I hope someone somewhere is seeing this perverse and pitiful play and will learn from our mistakes.”

Very (walking over the two bodies to the large mahogany desk): “Hello class, I am professor Very Smart and today we will learn about the atomicity incursion overheat deduction principle in perspiration theory...”

Good play. Everyone laughs. Curtains.

By , 16.12.2013

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