The curious case of conspicuous court
The recent case of immense animal cruelty has led us to question the course of our moral development. The crimes that are now being committed are becoming increasingly difficult to classify. The things that we are capable of doing now were probably unfathomable for previous generations.
Apparently the owner of a dog decided to rape the dog while holding a coat hanger in its ear. This vicious act was spotted by a half-blind pedestrian passing by. His dog apparently reacted with loud barking after seeing this monstrosity. The blind pedestrian immediately called the police who arrived there just in time to arrest the owner of the dog before he escaped.
For several hours they roamed the park looking for the suspect who was cleverly hiding by sitting on the bench with his dog beside him. The police stated that they managed to outwit the suspect by surrounding the park completely and closing the traffic of the surrounding streets. Additional units were dispatched to keep the people from panicking. After several hours of silent operation, the suspect was finally caught. His initial defense was that he was oblivious to what was going on. He was immediately classified as a pathological douche.
Later, the trial was held to determine the faith of the suspect, who we shall not name, because we don’t actually know who he is nor where this happened. We obtained this information from a trusted source who had a trusted friend who had a trusted source who heard it from someone else. Or something. Whatever.
Continuing the story, first, the suspect was interrogated. His defense was that he was merely picking up the dog’s feces when a dog passing nearby started barking loudly. Apparently, he claimed that that dog’s barking made his dog disturbed and that he was barking in response, opposite to the claim that he was actually being raped. This forced the jury to classify the suspect as a pathological lying douche, since his story was obviously flawed: it did not include the coat hanger that was obviously used during the act. The coat hanger, as we heard, was recovered from a garbage bin, a few blocks away. How the suspect managed to dispose of it by passing through the barricades and then returning to the park undetected, still remains unclear.
The prosecution called their first witness: the coat hanger. They had the intention of thoroughly interrogating this witness in an attempt to unveil the truth behind this horrid crime. Unfortunately, the witness refused to cooperate and did not answer any questions regarding the crime.
The victim in this case, the dog, was released from the hospital after many minutes of thorough examination. The doctors were inconclusive about the physical damage to the victim. The results of their analysis were somewhat similar to “this is stupid, you people are retarded”, and hence weren’t clear enough to put this appalling criminal behind bars.
As the last resort, the defense called victim, the dog, to stand. However, this move made the things worse as the witness showed vile disrespect for the court by refusing to answer questions and making loud noises despite the judge’s warnings. The dog was escorted out of the courtroom by the guards and a new lawsuit is being raised against the dog for disrespecting the court.
As a final resort, a private session between the judge and the coat hanger was held to determine the outcome of the original trial. It is unclear what happened in the judge’s quarters, but the charges against both the suspect and the dog were dropped and the coat hanger has now been given a total of twenty thousand life sentences in coat hanger years. This totals at about seventy million human years or twelve thousand trillion dog years.
This discrepancy between years for different species could be due to the fact that time is relative, but we are not quantum physicists, so we do not know. We just give you the news in a more interesting and poetic way. It does not matter how educated we are or what the story actually was or if there was any story to begin with. The important thing is that the story is well-written, well-structured and more interesting for the reader. A good news reporter can distort any trivial thing into a good story, just as a carpenter can distort a piece of metal into a sword, all it takes is commitment, inspiration and tying your shoelaces.
By Igor Ševo, 17.2.2013